I recently had a daughter, and this joyful event almost drove me into the deepest depression. I was afraid that I would break her life and educate her wrongly. Before my eyes stood father and mother. They can be called good parents. They worked hard so that I was full, dressed and healthy. But in return, they required me to meet their expectations with extreme rigor. I resisted and, perhaps, turned out to be a bad child. Grew up completely not what they wanted. And there are thousands of such children.
But, most likely, our parents just wanted to be exemplary, to raise beautiful children. I can assure you that I didn’t get as good as my father and mother wanted. And on behalf of this “bad guy” I’m ready to share with Readers of Happy Worthy Life 9 reasons why even in a prosperous family everything can go wrong.
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Attempts to fully control the life of a child
Parents come to total control of the child solely for good reason. How else can you completely protect the life of your child if there is complete chaos around? It should be streamlined. Set rules, boundaries. My parents tried to do this. I did not have to stay with my friends until late and I had to go to bed early and do homework every day for at least 3 hours. I was chosen clothes, music, hobbies. But perhaps my example is not the worst.
The situation is worse for a 16-year-old girl from England. On Quora, she brought in as many as 23 points proving that her dad and mom went too far in trying to raise a good daughter.
The girl writes that at first glance she is completely normal, pleased with her life, but in fact she feels like a prisoner in her own house. And she, alas, has reason to think so:
- More recently, I did not have a smartphone. I got an old mother’s iPhone 4, because I passed excellent exams. I can use it 30 minutes a day. And to do sports – only 20 minutes a day.
- I do not have a personal life. I can’t meet friends except 1 time at Christmas and 3 times during the summer holidays. No guys: I go to school for girls and 99% of the time I do not see boys. Surveillance cameras are installed throughout the house. I do not know where they are specifically, and if I try to find out, I will be punished.
- I have pages on Instagram and Facebook, but my parents have access to accounts, including private messages. Even if I change passwords, they reset them and enter. They check my story daily and block all “unreliable” sites.
- If I make at least one mistake in school tests, this is a shame. I have to study every day, even on vacation. I can’t rest and be alone in the restroom. Mom is always at the door, and I have to talk to her. We sleep with her in the same bed, father – in the same room. End always at 22:30.
What does such control lead to? Parents will be left with nothing, and she will be in the big world alone, completely unprepared for an independent life. Why am I so sure about this?
Until 18 years old, I did not know what kind of music I like and what my favorite group is : my parents chose what to listen to, what to watch. I have not seen a single American teen comedy. But when in high school I realized how to deceive my relatives, I nearly failed my final and entrance exams, I couldn’t enter the university on a budget and I’m still not sure that I chose the right profession. In a word, I was not ready for an independent life . The importance of parental support is obvious, but don’t go too far.
Expecting too much from a child
By no means do I want to say that my parents are bad. These are loving, caring people. And now, looking back, I see many happy moments. They just wanted something different from me: in their head there was a picture of what I would be, and, unfortunately, it did not always coincide with what I myself wanted from life.
Since childhood, I dreamed of studying martial arts, but from the age of 4 I went in for skiing . When they decided to send me to music school, I said that I wanted to learn how to play the violin. My parents thought that a jazz pianist would come out of me. Well, I did not hold out on the piano for a year. As a result, I play the guitar a little and still dream of picking up a violin. But now I can’t find the time for this.
Lack of praise and high demands
My parents have never praised me in my entire life . The phrases “You’re done!”, “Excellent!”, “Keep it up!” Have probably been deleted from their vocabulary forever. Instead of them, I always heard something like “Not bad, only I made a mistake here, it was necessary to do so, and indeed …”.
My parents believe that praise cannot do without constructive criticism . They are always sure what could be done better, they are eager to point out my mistakes and give me some tips on how to fix them. Even when in childhood I just wanted to hear the word “well done” from them. At some point, I stopped doing anything at all. Why try if you don’t get the rewards anyway?
It will be difficult for a child whose parents are constantly dissatisfied with his results to live in harmony with himself, enjoy life. This is confirmed by the researchers. It turned out that children who are faced with excessive pressure in the family are more likely than others to injure themselves. Also, children of demanding parents often complain of a chronic headache.
Bans as the only way to control a child
Since the child does not try to fulfill the requirements of the parents, it means that he needs to be additionally motivated. “You won’t get a new toy if you don’t clean it,” “You won’t go to the cinema if you don’t pass the control for five plus.” Parents are forced to become too strict . Mine were literally obsessed with good grades. If I received a triple or deuce, I lost my birthday present. Scandal, angry and disappointed glances went as a bonus.
I then thought that it could not be worse. But now I know that this is not so. You just need to read the message of another user of Quora. The zeal of her parents led to the fact that the girl on her birthday did not want a new toy or a trip to an amusement park, but just a little free time.
“Happy Birthday! We give you a very special gift … FREEDOM. You have 168 hours from now to do whatever you want, without any restrictions. With love, dad and mom. ”
But it is proved that excessive severity and punishment cause speech delays in children, the peak falls on the age of 5 years. But, most importantly, as soon as the child learns to circumvent the prohibitions, parents will lose the only means of control they know . I learned to hide the truth by the age of 16, and this girl was 2 years ahead of me:
“I have very strict parents, and as soon as I am 18, I will do everything to get out of the house. In the meantime, I have to abide by numerous rules, which do not really work. I was forbidden to meet with guys, but I walked with them from the age of 14. I am Muslim and should wear loose clothes and hijab everywhere except at home, but I just change into tops and cropped jeans as soon as I get around the corner. I run away after the end, I find ways to make money on what interests me. And while I successfully hide all this from my father and mother. Strict parents bring up vile children. ” © Adiba Chowdhury / Quora
Commitment to traditional parenting practices
It’s about corporal punishment, screaming, ignoring. The child should perceive the father and mother as close people who can be entrusted with the innermost, and not be afraid of screams, notations and fists, the more it is already known that physical punishment has only harmful consequences . And not only psychological, but also physiological .
For example, I was flogged once, somehow slapped on the ear, my things were thrown into the wall. So from the 5th grade, I just stopped reporting anything to my parents. And still I’m having difficulty overtaking this desire.
Oddly enough, but the use of force is just an act of parental impotence . It’s also useless to read notations: the child copies the family’s lifestyle, he is brought up by the atmosphere in which he is. The biggest motivation is a personal example.
Turning household chores into a bargain
“Wash the dishes – you get a fifty dollars”, “Go for groceries – your change”, “Tidy up in the room – buy a player” – perhaps many of us have heard something like this. This works until it goes to extremes. Then, in each request, the baby begins to see the benefits, becomes spoiled and moody.
As a child, my father paid me 2 dollars each when I took out the trash. Cleaning also cost a fifty dollars. But once he said that I was already big, and stopped paying. Then I made a scandal. It was a shock, a blow – call it what you want, but I just could not understand what I had done.
The child should have personal duties, which he performs disinterestedly. You do not ask him for money for your cooked dinner!
Ambiguity of claims and threats by an impossible action
Today – it is possible, tomorrow – it is impossible, and the day after tomorrow – again it is possible. Mom forbade everything that she did not like. Father sometimes allowed a little more. In the end, I realized that “no” can sometimes be “okay, yes,” and began to test the patience of my parents. All this led to new scandals and tears. Parents made concessions, and I kept saying only: “Last time you allowed.” You can’t insist on your own if you threatened that you could not realize it. In addition, scientists have found a connection between inconsistent methods of education and the risks of developing psychopathy in children.
So now, as a young father, I decided for myself to reduce the number of prohibitions to a minimum. I just imagine in my mind how the child demands something, and if I can allow it for at least a second, then I’ll allow it. Well, if I forbid something – then for sure. And I will hope that the child will take my decisions calmly, like this guy with Quora.
There are very few things in their family that are not approved. But if something was banned, then it’s better not to try to do it. For example, dye your hair in a bright color. The guy tried to cheat, but was forced to repaint the hair back under the supervision of his father. And the boy was not even upset. Indeed, deep down, he understood that he was doing just that little thing that parents forbid.
There is only one true opinion, and this is the opinion of parents
I still struggle with this. Parents literally have an opinion on everything: who should I work with, what should I wear. Even now, when I’m 30 and I’m married, not a single conversation can do without moralizing. And it’s all easier for me not to call or not to visit. It will soon come to the point that we will see each other once a year.
Until the age of 14, I agreed with everything, but after I decided it was time to fight back, which is what I’m doing to this day . I won my studies in the humanitarian field, snowboarding, and not the skis they loved, I also had to win the marriage. Each meeting ends with a fierce debriefing and resentment. The saddest thing is that they simply do not hear my arguments. For my daughter I do not want this.
The desire to maintain the status quo
Each parent will have to come to terms with the fact that the child is growing and will someday grow up, become an adult, leave the house and begin to live independently. In my opinion, preparing the child for an independent existence is the main task of the father and mother. And if it works out, then you are a good parent.
But my parents did not come to terms with this. I have not lived with them for 15 years. I have a wife and a child, but my father and mother do not seem to understand this. They expect me to call them every day and spend all weekend together. But I just don’t have the strength to do it. It got to the point that I pretend to be sick or specifically take work for the weekend, just to stay at home. And this lie hurts me – to refuse every time, feeling like a traitor. It’s easier not to communicate at all. I hope that I will never allow this with my daughter.
Like the rest, as I said above. I really love my parents, but so far I am not able to tell them about it, and they are not able to admit that they did not raise such a bad guy. Hope you have no problems with your family. And if there is, share it. Maybe together we can find the answer.