I was married to my first love and dreamed of growing old with him, the man who made me happy. Perfect couple, but only outside. In fact, marriage was cracking. Many acquaintances were shocked to learn that we had broken up, and I myself hardly believed that this was all really happening: here we were arguing, we weren’t living together, but there was a divorce certificate.
Our happy family fell apart forever. And not only ours. The number of divorces on average around the world growing steadily, although now it is not so fast, and in some countries it is even decreasing.
I’m still sometimes sad that it happened. It’s impossible not to think about the topic “Was it possible to save the family or did I do everything I could?”. Especially when I look at a friend who predicted a divorce before the wedding, but she has been married 12 years and is not going to leave her husband. From these thoughts and stories of other people, I deduced 8 reasons that even an exemplary couple can bring to divorce, and I am ready to share them with readers of you at Happy Worthy Life.
1. Partners do not tell others about the problems
This was the main reason why no one suspected anything until the last. My husband and I were both taught from childhood “not to take dirty linen out of the house”, not to talk about personal matters with those who are not directly affected.
Now many are silent about the difficulties also because they want to create an impeccable image in the eyes of society, to be the envy of social networks. Sometimes silence becomes perfectionism. Even if the marriage did not work out from very beginning, a person will go out of his way so that no one suspects the problem.
This happened to my former classmate. Anya and Vitya were perfect couple: he spoiled her, drove around the resorts, gave huge bouquets for the holidays, she cooked useful and beautiful food for him, arranged a family nest. They even had a Facebook account for two, where they constantly confessed love to each other, with utter admiration in the comments. The whole city was shock when they broke up. Especially considering that she left her Zai right after giving birth to a long-awaited child. It turned out that she had long stopped loving her husband, but she suffered, and after giving birth she could not stand it, packed her things and left.
2. One partner suffers another
The reasons may be different. Sometimes it is financial dependence, sometimes desire to raise children so that divorce of their parents does not injure them, sometimes something else.
Here is the story of a man who faced such a situation: “I can say that our marriage was happy, we lived together for 19 years, we had a son and a daughter. When I was 47 and my wife was 43, we decided to move to Canada so that the children would get higher education there. But after moving we did not find a good job, so I had to return to Oman. I made money and sent it to my family in Canada. Children weaned perfectly and got a good job. And then the wife – now the former – said that she tolerated me only for children. I tried hard to save the marriage, but nothing worked, although for years I plowed like a slave for the sake of family. ”
There are those who are ready to fully rely on the partner, and partner justifies for trust. But, alas, not everyone can withstand the pressure of circumstances, and often, when the causes of dependence disappear, a person leaves the family without looking back.
3. Dissatisfaction silently accumulates before the explosion
In matters more serious, you need to support your partner unconditionally. My ex-husband was also older and seemed very smart and reliable to me. And I also expected that he himself would guess everything, we understand each other so well . After a series of scandals, it became clear that it would not be possible to glue the broken. I did not tolerate suffering for the sake of child, and we parted, and acquaintances, friends and even relatives are still surprised to hear about this decision.
Of course, there are certainly cases of complete harmony (in any case, I want to believe in it), but they are rare. Therefore, if it’s easier for you to keep silent about painful thing for years, know: talking with a partner is often much more useful than enduring, until it explodes with all its might. My friend at the slightest discontent does not hesitate to speak heartily, it often comes to throwing plates, but after releasing steam, she is again full of love for her husband and is ready for a compromise. As long as the form of dialogue suits both parties, everything is in order.
4. One or both know that the relationship has become obsolete
“ The most calm and respectfully inferior relations with our ex-husband were before our breakup. He let me go, it became easy and calm, why not give in? For it’s all the same. In 2 months I left the 20 year relationship, which was extremely painful for me. ”
And there are many such stories. If a person has already chosen a deadline for himself when everything will end, he calmly waits for the right hour, not wanting to spoil his life by showdown, first of all to himself. And when the time comes, it quickly disappears from the life of the former spouse.
My path was similar. I took about 3 years to make a decision on divorce. But when I decided – everything was simple and quick, after a couple of weeks my husband was present in my life minimally, and that was only because we had a common child, whom I did not want to deprive of communication with my father.
Another option: why bother if you know from the very beginning that this is not forever? While one is building a big house in dreams and choosing names for future children, the second enjoys the delights of a relationship and calmly searches for the person with whom he wants to grow old. And marriage … It’s just a stamp, nothing serious, the apartment is written to mom, the car to dad, no children, everything is seized.
5. Do not withstand the pressure of others
My mother-in-law and sister-in-law immediately after the wedding began to criticize me endlessly, and no effort could change this. As a result, little by little, the spouse also began to perceive our relations only in a negative way, even my laughter, which was once “voiced,” turned into “too loud, can you be quieter?”. It was not possible to save the marriage, although from the very beginning my husband and I loved and respected each other very much. I also know couples who broke up because the family of one or both spouses pressed them, demanding to leave for one reason or another.
When parents are authority, this is completely natural. It is natural to take into account their opinion on important issues, because they are older, more experienced, they want their child the best. In such cases, you need to carefully build borders so as not to offend anyone with too zealous protection of personal space, but also to prevent catastrophic consequences for their own family.
And you need to take care of yourself if someone from your loved ones gets divorced – relatives, friends, even colleagues with whom you often communicate. Scientists have found that a person who gets divorced can greatly influence even the seemingly happy marriages of others.
6. Grew up “in different directions”
When both spouses grow both personally and professionally, but in different areas, they may find that their outlook on life has also changed and now does not converge at all. Or one needs to move for study or work, and the second should stay for the same reason. This is a natural process, which, alas, often ends in divorce, because the spouses diverge too much, and they also meet new people who are closer in spirit.
But in couples that from the outside do not seem too happy, one spouse can hold on tightly to the second, because she depends on him – financially, emotionally or somehow. When a person has no alternative, he will not go anywhere.
7. One of the couple suddenly realizes that he does not want a serious relationship
Now is the time when a woman can build a successful career without being married, while marriage and the birth of children are delayed. More and more girls from youth know what they want, and are firmly moving towards the goal, and they approach marriage as a working project – soberly, planning ahead.
This is an ideal option: a calm conversation and a deliberate separation of people who wish each other only happiness. But more often the failure of one (or even both) of the spouses is revealed when the couple has children, common property and a long list of claims. Statistics say that the number of divorces increased by 97% due to the fact that when the wife went to work, the husband did not help with the housework anymore .
8. One deceives the other
If one of the spouses began to change, then out of guilt, he often begins to behave like in a romantic film: show more care, shower with gifts, please in everything. But the image of an ideal partner in such cases is just a smokescreen, behind which lies the unsightly truth.
Of course, there are times when the second honeymoon begins from the desire to strengthen the marriage, and not to make amends for betrayal, but there are noticeably fewer of them.
After the divorce, I spent a lot of time on reflection and read a bunch of materials on the topic to understand why it happened, because we wanted to pamper our children together. In any case, our divorce is a shared responsibility. I too, was far from always ideal, although I tried.
Hope this article helps someone save the marriage. If you have a difficult situation in the family right now – write, it is quite possible that you will be supported by useful advice or at least cute pictures with cats.