Uneducated people consider the word “sorry” to be the prerogative of weaklings, and educated people sometimes apologize for and without. Bring the wrong order? I apologize, but I did not ask for it. Why not laughing? Sorry, no mood. An “sorry-sorry” avalanche should smooth sharp corners, but it turns out that sometimes this can ruin the relationship and only exacerbate the situation.
We at Happy Worthy Life have figured out what things to apologize for in no case and how to get out of a state of chronic regret.
1. For marital status
At the moment when a person begins to tire of hints or direct questions about his personal life, most often he begins to explain his actions and decisions, sometimes to completely strangers. It’s all because of the guilty feelings that we experience, realizing that we don’t comply with generally accepted standards.
Your marital status, as well as absence, presence, as well as the number of children, husbands and wives, is entirely up to you. Instead of asking for forgiveness, pay attention to how you feel when you apologize. Are you uncomfortable? Try to apologize less often to see how this habit affects your self-esteem.
- Are you married?
– And why? Why? How did it happen? – rained questions that compel one to justify oneself for a choice, for a life position.
– My answer “no” is enough.
By doing this, you immediately set the border beyond which you are not going to let it go. A smart person will understand everything correctly. © citylioness / livejournal
- No matter how much they say that women should not feel guilty for the absence of children, the reality is that cultural norms and standards of society indicate the opposite. In the end, this turns into shame or self-hatred. As a married woman who does not want to have children, I feel guilty for contradicting the norm. Let’s not pretend it is not. © Lindsay O’Brien / quora
2. For the pursuit of your dream
A person who goes to a dream may at first earn little and act, according to others, is illogical. When they point this out to him, he begins to feel anxiety and shame. To shift the focus from uncomfortable questions and conversations, he is ready to apologize for his intentions and aspirations, because it is easier to grumble: “I’m sorry,” than to defend my position.
But in essence, apologies for no reason are not so different from flattery : you may think that you simply care about your neighbor’s feelings or “translate the topic”, and he considers that you lack self-confidence. The interlocutor may decide that you do not believe in your plans so much that you are not able to defend them, and will continue to attack, psychologists warn .
- Never apologize for having a dream, and for striving for it. In the 15th century, a rich man lived by the name of Lodovico Buonarroti, and his son was born. And this son was interested in what the “lower class” liked: he loved to sculpt from clay and tinker with tools. Father despised him for this. The boy matured, but did not want to give up his dream. Soon this man will turn the marble block into a statue of David. This boy was Michelangelo. © JBrandon Redlinger / quora
3. For the high expectations of others
In this case, the desire for an apology may be caused by an aversion to a possible conflict that may erupt due to the fact that other words or actions were expected from you. If you ask for forgiveness, there may not be a quarrel, but only now you will remain emotionally depressed. Not to apologize is also an option, and sometimes not the worst.
Sometimes the failure of an apology can even help to improve self-esteem. For example, in the case when they tell you: “I thought you were not like that”, you do not make excuses and do not apologize, respectively, you do not take the blame for not meeting someone’s expectations and rid yourself of emotional trauma.
4. For not knowing something
More often than not, people apologize for the lack of knowledge in order to avoid embarrassment and not to get into trouble. So we apologize in advance to build or maintain trust.
Not knowing something is absolutely normal, as well as admitting it. After all, it looks funny not the one who does not know something, but the one who poses as a know-it-all. Keep a diary and take notes every time you say “sorry.” You will be very surprised how many times you use the word without even realizing it.
- Many times I heard people apologize for poor knowledge of a foreign language. Learning a language is not easy, and even more so trying to communicate in it, but everything goes easier when people around you do not condemn and support you. Let the person speak badly so far, but at least he is trying. And I never accept an apology when people make mistakes in words, because there’s nothing to apologize for. © Gabriel Tambwe / quora
5. For the truth
We tend to apologize even when straightforwardness is vital. It seems that conscience is tormenting and I want to say everything as it is, but I don’t want to answer for the consequences, so we apologize in advance for the fact that in our own words we can harm the interlocutor. We apologize in order to smooth out social tension even before it arises.
Not everyone has the guts to tell the truth. But if after this you are still embarrassed and want to say, “I’m sorry I had to say this,” it should be explained that you apologize out of compassion and politeness, and not because you did something wrong. This is crucial for your self-esteem.
- It happens that the truth causes so much pain, so that you can “prepare” a person. For example, to clarify: “I want to say something. I would prefer to be silent, but it’s true, and you should hear it. ” And wait for verbal approval or a gesture to continue. To tell the truth, it’s better to do it calmly and clearly, and not in an apologetic tone. Wait and watch the reaction. Be sincere and kind as circumstances permit. © Mac Davidson / quora
- Although we should not apologize for telling the truth, we must always remember that there are several ways to convey this truth. We can spit it out like poison, or we can be soft, pick up words. You should not regret that you are telling the truth, but you must remember that you can “deliver” this information to the addressee in the best possible way. © Benjamin Haney / quora
6. For your emotions
Most often, it is women who ask for forgiveness. According to studies , ladies are more sensitive and susceptible to abusive behavior, so they often see the need to apologize in everyday situations.
Madeleine Berry, a writer from New York, conducted an experiment in which she stopped apologizing for a week. It was difficult for her and made her think about what she really wanted to say to people: “Often, when I say“ I’m sorry, ”I don’t feel guilty, I just do it by default. Apologies have become parasitic words like “um” or just to fill in a pause . ” She came to an interesting conclusion: everything changes if, instead of an apology, you just take it and how you can talk about your true feelings and emotions in spirit. With a high degree of probability, they will understand and help you.
- I just finished a relationship that lasted 2 years, during which I just did that I apologized to the former. Now I understand that crying, being in a bad mood is normal, and only because it was difficult for him to deal with me upset, it was stupid to ask for forgiveness. © Elizabeth Martin / quora
- Once a girl talked about an incident that happened to her. At some point, she could not hold back her tears and burst into tears. Crying, she said something that at the same time surprised and saddened me: “Sorry.” I seriously don’t understand – for what? Are we sorry for the laughter? Then why apologize for sadness? Never apologize for your tears, because you have every right to express your feelings. © Keerthana Devanand / quora
7. For asking for help
For many, apologies are inextricably linked with politeness, so “sorry” was the starting point for any suggestions. It seems that if we ask for something, we should start the appeal with requests for forgiveness, because we take away someone else’s time.
However, there is no need to apologize when you need clarification. The next time you want to start the request with “sorry”, try the new scenario and start with “Could you” or “Would you be so kind.”
- Life hack: replace “sorry” with “thank you”. I used to constantly apologize, and it annoyed my boyfriend. He helped me overcome anxiety and depression. Now, instead of “I’m sorry for helping me,” it became “thanks for the help, I really appreciate everything he do for me.” © lovelylayout / reddit
8. For the mistakes of others
This is how a well-educated person works: when someone nearby causes inconvenience, tension seems to build up in the air and you need to give him a way out. And now you yourself apologize to the courier for the fact that he could not immediately find your home and brought cold pizza. The thing is that sometimes apologies serve as a passive-aggressive defense mechanism designed to make someone else realize that it was he who had to apologize.
Psychologists advise: before apologizing, stop and ask yourself: “Have I really done something wrong?” It’s worth starting to identify the triggers that trigger the “excuse” reflex. When such a situation occurs again, the task will be simple: act consciously and replace the apology with precise statements to convey your point of view.
- When I was in the army, there was a good guy, sergeant. Once something went wrong (he was not to blame), and the authorities demanded an explanation. He simply said: “It is my fault, I will correct it.” The officer praised him for his honesty. Yes, only the sergeant got into the habit. Just that – he took the blame on himself. As a result, the authorities began to consider it a problem. Guess what happened to his career? © Tom Martin / quora
- I was 18 years old, I was at a party. A school friend asked me to take her cousin, because she had a strong drink. My friend and I brought the girl home, where we were met by her angry aunt. Instead of saying that I was not involved in this state of her, leaving the girl home and moving on, I apologized for what happened. © Ken Wilson / quora
- I apologize when I sneeze. As if I did it on purpose, and then regretted it. When I talk on the phone, but the connection is broken, I also apologize. Obviously, at this moment I think that I am responsible for the quality of mobile communications in the country. When someone stands in my way and cannot be avoided, I always say: “I’m sorry, can I get through?” and this instead of “Stop standing in the doorway!” And when someone quietly speaks, but I don’t hear, I ask again: “Sorry?” © Matt Lever / quora
9. For your past
When someone reminds us of the old offense, again and again we feel a sense of guilt. It becomes embarrassing for the affairs of bygone days, and this means only one thing: that situation has not been experienced and we ourselves have not forgiven ourselves.
Almost everyone in the past has moments that, if we had a magic eraser, would be erased and forgotten, like a nightmare. There is no point in making excuses for the fact that we cannot change. The solution is simple and complex at the same time: forgive yourself, then the reflex “immediately apologize for what was a long time ago” will remain in the past.
- You were a different person then. All people make mistakes, but they can also fix them. You may regret what you did, but you are not going to step on the same rake. Stop apologizing for the past over and over again. © Gayathri Mahesh / quora
- Why tidy up the past? I don’t like apologizing for him and I don’t see the point – you cannot change the past. Personal experience of apologies and the observed experience of apologies of others: nobody needs these words. Only matters matter. © gryll / livejournal
10. For not wanting to communicate
Apologizing to those whom we don’t really want to see, we show sympathy, try to smooth the moment, it seems to us that we are very empathetic and compassionate. However, in this case, an apology will be akin to a guilty plea. The strength of apologies is to use them only when justified.
- I decided to stop talking with my girlfriend. For the sake of your peace. I just realized that I deserve respect, and if she doesn’t think so, she has no place in my life. It was a difficult decision. At some point, I thought that I was selfish, and then I remembered that I had done nothing wrong. And for this you need to make the right decision. You can stop talking with a friend, refuse to communicate with your family or divorce your spouse, but you do not need to apologize for setting priorities. © Auriane Ryf / quora
Do you have the habit of apologizing to others, even when it is completely unnecessary? What do you apologize most often for?