Those who were or are currently in a relationship know that to create a strong couple you need to work on yourself, respect the partner and his decisions, compromise and support each other. But psychologists argue that some habits that we consider toxic, in fact, also contribute to the strengthening and development of relationships.
We at Happy Worthy Life have studied the studies of specialists in the field of family psychotherapy and want to share the information you have found.
1. Make comments to the partner
Caitlin Cantor, a certified sexologist and gestalt therapist, says criticism from partners is inevitable. Each of us has our own ideas on how, for example, to wash dishes or to do cleaning, and if our partner does it differently, this can cause us great discomfort. And often we cannot restrain ourselves and not tell a person how “right”.
But according to Caitlin, how couples can handle criticism determines whether they create distance between them or ensure proximity. If a pair of balance, criticism and the ability to take it allow you to create a deeper connection between people. After all, if we are able to hear from our partner the honest “Yes, you’ve gotten better / got better,” we are not afraid to be vulnerable. At the same time, it is important for the critic to understand how trusted and open he is and not to make unreasonable comments.
2. Leave conflicts unresolved
American psychologist and researcher John Gottman spent 40 years on predicting divorce and the stability of marriages. According to him, 69% of happy couples can leave conflicts unresolved for 10 years, but families are not at a standstill because of this and are able to get around this topic.
In a relationship it is important to communicate, speak out your feelings and emotions, but you need to understand that 100 percent compatibility is hardly possible and there will always be disagreements. Sometimes finding out who is right takes more energy from people than the problem itself. Therefore, before starting a war, it is better to think about whether it is so important, for example, what color the tiles in the bathroom will be in order to swear because of this.
3. Attracted to other people
Flirting is part of human nature, and, according to some psychologists involved in evolutionary psychology, this is the basis of civilization in the form in which we know it. Therefore, it is normal to have a slight interest in other people. But, of course, you don’t need to cross the line and register on dating sites or change your loved one.
Being in a relationship, you should trust each other and understand where there is a reason for jealousy, and where it is not. After all, if each time you pull the partner because he looked at someone on the street or smiled at the girl, this will only cause irritation in him. It is important to share with each other what is bothering you, but not to do it in the form of interrogation, because constant complaints and control can kill feelings in your couple.
4. Meet for many years and not marry
Registering a relationship does not guarantee that the relationship will be long and healthy. Now more and more people consider guest marriage acceptable or have been cohabiting for years. And despite the fact that this term still has a negative connotation, they can feel happy in pairs. When choosing a form of relationship, it is more important to compromise and listen to yourself and your partner.
5. Be angry
Suppressing emotions, including anger, can harm us. Dr. Ernest Harburg and his team at the University of Michigan School of Public Health have studied this condition for several decades and found that those who hold their own anger are more likely to get bronchitis and get a heart attack. It is also highly likely that their life expectancy will be less than people who show anger when someone annoys them.
John Gottman argues that anger does not harm relationships, and happy couples are just as angry as miserable ones. According to him, anger in marriage is even functional. The key here is not the frequency of its occurrence, but how people react to this emotion and how much their reaction is destructive.
6. Do not spend all your free time with a partner
Entrepreneur and blogger Mark Manson says that when we fall in love, we give free rein to irrational desires and beliefs. One of these desires is associated with the complete absorption of the partner and merging with him. We want to spend one day with each other, forgetting about our and his affairs. But the problem is that the closer we get to a person, the less he looks like the image that we fell in love with.
Therefore, it is important to try to give each other personal space and have their own hobbies. This avoids merging with another person and co-dependence. Mark Manson advises always to remember what made us and our partner those who we are and to give each other air.
7. To make sarcastic jokes about the partner
According to a study by psychologists from the Martin Luther Halle-Wittenberg University, for many people, a sign of a happy relationship is the possibility of ironicizing and allowing subtle sarcasm towards the partner. But this applies only to those who are able to laugh at themselves and do not feel because of this fear. An example is Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds: they constantly tease each other and do it publicly.
Scientists cite a curious fact: people who are afraid that they will laugh at them tend to be less happy with their relationship and not trust a partner.
Which of these habits does your couple have? How do they affect your relationship?
Illustrator Alisa specifically for Happy Worthy Life