When a child appears in a young family, many grandmothers begin to offer their help in the care and upbringing of the baby. The only pity is they rarely follow the instructions left by moms and dads before leaving for work. Against this background, conflicts often ripen . In the teaching methods of older parents there will always be a number of indulgences for which they themselves can be “put into a corner.”
Happy Worthy Life only for contact between generations. But still, we decided to consider the reasons why it is better to raise children on our own, without enlisting the support of grandparents.
1. Outdated child care practices
Previously, children were bathed at a temperature of 37 degrees, but now they are tempered from the diapers and bathed at 33–34 degrees and even lower. In the Soviet Union, children were fed cow milk and juices. Now there are milk formula, which includes all the necessary vitamins. Previously taught that it is necessary to swaddle tightly. But think: is there at least one living creature on the planet that does not allow its cub to move? Despite this, the grandmother will, of course, go along the beaten path and not listen to your “nonsense from the Internet.”
What to do: Do not be afraid to argue and explain that now life has changed a lot and much of what was right in the past has become meaningless . Make a condition that if a grandmother wants to participate in the care process, then she must do this according to the new rules.
2. Imposing one’s parenting model
The methods of education that were adopted 30 years ago are significantly different from modern ones. The current grandparents were kept in strictness. When they gave birth to their children, it was widely believed that you can’t take a child into your arms, otherwise you “tame” it – you need to ignore it, saying that the newborn will scream and calm down. Therefore, they still underestimate the importance of showing warmth and love in a relationship with a baby.
What to do: Parents should immediately establish the rules for communicating with their child for everyone who takes part in his life. Those should be very clearly formulated, and all should fulfill them: if the rule applies to one grandmother, then to the second too.
Grandmothers have one sin: they pamper their grandchildren. For example, in the family in which the child grows, it can be accepted that each member of the family clean the dishes after themselves after dinner. When staying with grandmother, the child may hear that this is not necessary: the elders are all ready to do it themselves. So the baby falls into dissonance and does not understand how to behave: people important to him require different things from him.
What to do: It is important to discuss what parents allow when communicating with a child, and what is strictly prohibited. If the point of view does not seem to be right for the grandmother, then you can bring clippings from articles, show books by authoritative authors and prove why you need to do this and not otherwise. It should work, because ultimately it is primarily love for the baby that drives her.
4. Control of family lifeEmbed from Getty Images
Helping with a child, a grandmother can unwittingly throw attention to your personal family life. Absolutely everything begins to interest her: cooking, shopping, pastime. She may express her dissatisfaction with the fact that mother works too much and does not spend enough time with her offspring: “Why are you playing and not reading?”
What to do: Learn to build boundaries . When a new family is created, it is important to outline for your mother and mother-in-law a line that they cannot cross. If you don’t want to receive Captain Evidence’s everyday advice, say so immediately, and not after patience begins to end.
5. Undermining the authority of parents
The older generation usually has its own view on the upbringing of children and allows itself to express this with his grandchildren. Imagine the situation: the children indulge, the mother tries to calm them and threatens to leave without sweets for their behavior. And then between a mother and children a grandmother gets up with a comment: “Don’t listen to your mother! Stop messing around and go get some ice cream. ” The authority is lost : the children see that their parents are being accounted for, and their words are not put into anything. So there is a risk of developing problematic behavior.
What to do: Agree that all claims and comments should be voiced without the presence of the baby.
6. An example that slows down a child
Due to too much employment, some parents leave their children with their grandmother for a long time, thinking that it will be better for them. But children learn by copying adult behavior. If mom and dad disappear at work, and the grandmother is left with the baby, then it is the work that will become the reason for the baby why he does not see the closest people. And if adults also complain about how much they get tired, then the child himself will not love to work.
What to do: Try to adjust the work schedule and often be near children. During his absence during the day, you can ask your grandmother to sit with her grandson, but at every opportunity to take the child home. If the baby grows up with his parents, then in his head a connection will be established over time between their hard work and the joy of the meeting that follows. In a situation where he will spend more time with his grandparents, only occasionally seeing mom and dad, he will form an opinion that he is a burden for parents.
7. Making responsible decisions
The process of caring for a child always requires the adoption of very serious decisions . And if mom and dad do not do this, then the grandmother takes up the matter. And her upbringing is distinguished by increased care, bordering on pathology.
What to do: Parents should take full responsibility for the happiness and health of the baby. Since you are asking for something not to be done – not to feed, not to dress, not to give, not to buy – then provide everything you need. Grandma is ready to dress – tell me what. Ready to feed – tell me what, what, what temperature, in what quantity.
8. Excessive custody of the child
Grandmother can wrap her grandson in several layers of clothing in warm weather; not to go for a walk with him, because he might run away, and she is afraid not to catch up; to do homework for him or to do some household chores for him. Definitely she wants to help, but thereby dooms her parents to new problems . After all, to grow up in such conditions their child is much more difficult.
What to do: Invite the elders to spend time in your house, and let them watch from the side how the child behaves with you, what responsibilities he has at home, and ask them (grandparents) to keep these rules too.
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According to studies , most children who are in the constant care of grandparents have an increased risk of obesity compared to those who live with their parents. Compassionate elderly people are easily manipulated by smart little ones. They know: it’s worth while taunting and shedding tears, they will immediately be given forbidden food.
What to do: Familiarize yourself with the problems that await an overweight child, including illnesses (allergies, diabetes, heart problems, asthma). And with statistics: in the modern world, health is not threatened by hunger, but by an excess of calories.
Reasons for this behavior
The need for love. Realization of this need usually leads to the fact that the grandmother begins to fulfill all the whims of the baby. To her behavior has become more adequate, you need to try to change your attitude towards her. Young parents should pay more attention to her and communicate with her. Knowing that she is loved will help her communicate more intelligently with her grandson.
The need for respect from others. The sphere of upbringing of grandchildren remains the only one for the majority of pensioners where they can feel competent. In this situation, the young family should emphasize as often as possible that they value their mother or mother-in-law, respect her life position and experience.
Itself needs care. Such people often begin to patronize and take care of others too violently. In an attempt to suppress grandmother’s hyper-custody, do not completely shut yourself off from your grandmother. Decide what kind of help you need, and invite her to help you in this amount. And do not forget to thank for your help and participation.
It is difficult for a grandmother as a mother to accept the maturation of her child. Therefore, often behind constant monitoring and criticism is the reluctance to realize that her daughter or son has already grown up and are able to make decisions and manage their own lives.
Which relationship model is optimal
Friendship is welcome. The older generation has a lot of free time and can organize interesting joint leisure with their grandchildren. Or introduce children to your hobby. For example, if a grandmother loves her cottage, she can take her grandchildren with her and teach her to work. If grandfather loves cars, he may be interested in this and children. Such leisure develops children and strengthens relationships. If the psychological state of the grandchildren is really important to the older generation, then they should make every effort so that there are no conflicts. And create a comfortable environment in which children can develop harmoniously in order to become successful in life.
Do grandparents spend time with your grandchildren in your family?
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